The End Of Two Hearts
by NicholeLovesPhan
Summary: A Phan oneshot. Rated T for depression and suicide. It's really for me more than anyone, but if you chose to read, thank you.


_Hey you guys, this is a one shot I wrote over break. I've been feeling pretty bad, and this helped me feel a bit better... Enjoy. _

~~**PHIL'S POV**~~

The pills make little panging sounds as I shake the bottle. My breathing is deep and heavy, and while I'm scared, I know this is good. I'm no use on this Earth, and all I have is pain, so why not? It's the logical answer. While Dan will miss me, at least, I hope he will; he won't miss me as much as I will miss him, because I love him.

Yes, I love him. I love him with all my heart and more. The way his soft hair catches in his eyes dazzles me, his laughs and our inside jokes lighten me when nothing else can, his kind nature showing through his eyes during silent moments… all these things have made me fall in love with him. He's perfect, but loving him was the thing that sealed my fate.

I guess it was inevitable that I would love him. I know I shouldn't have asked him to move in with me, that being so close to him would make me love him, but he needed a flat and I a flatmate so it made sense and so I did it.

It was simple, at first. It didn't affect me much, just a slight flutter when he would smile at me, but soon it escalated. He was in my dreams every single night, either professing his love in a Romeo-esqe fashion or screaming in my face all the truths I hid from myself in my waking hours. He screamed that he's straight, that he'll never love me, that I'm horrible and childish and I'll never find someone to love me, and even if I did, I'd still be hung up on him, watching him grow old with someone. Both of them always leave me feeling worse than when I fell asleep, if that's possible.

I close my eyes slowly and feel my deep breaths turn to racking shakes. A sob escapes my lips, letting salty tears drip down them and into my mouth. I hush myself, not wanting Dan to be alerted to my pain as he plays Skyrim. As my shoulders stop shaking, my slightly quivering fingers open the bottle. The tiny white pills slip out of the bottle with a slight rattle. I count seven in my hand. They're slim; I can definitely swallow them with ease, despite the amount. I toss them in my mouth and wash them down with a swig of water. I do this again, my fingers shaking a bit more. I do it seven more times, until I have no idea how many pills I've taken. There's got to be a lot in there, poisoning me, because the once-full bottle only has about 20 pills left.

I open the door to the bathroom and slip on my black converse right before I hear Dan's voice call out to me.

"Hey, Phil! Where ya going?"

"A walk, I guess." I mumble.

"Okay, don't forget a coat!"

"I won't."

I slip on my coat silently and head into my room, grabbing my phone. I'm about to head out the door for the last time before I see Lion, sitting there silently on my headboard. Lion, who I've held to my chest so many times while I cried. Lion's been there for everything, and I decide I want him with me while I die. I slip him in my pocket and shove myself out the door, jogging to the elevator and pressing the "Lobby" button. The doors slide open and they've barely opened enough to fit me before I've started through them.

I jog out the front door, desperate to get myself away from this place. I can't die near Dan, I just can't. He won't be able to go back into that apartment, I just know it.

My shoes are slamming against the wet pavement; people are ducking away from me as I zoom past them. All of a sudden, the streets end and I'm at my destination- the park. I sit down in a lonesome corner, my heart still racing. I pull out my phone and copy the goodbye letter I've changed and changed again, making it perfect, and send it to him. To Dan. I know it's not gonna be pleasant to find, but I he needs to know why I did it. I double-check that I have my driver's license in my wallet in case someone else finds me, but I told Dan where I am so he should be able to.

I'm all done. Everything is sorted… all I have left to do is die. I'm dying. Right now, with my feet tucked under me and Lion in my hands, I'm dying. I'm committing suicide. I stroke the old, worn-out fur of my little toy I've had for pretty much all my life. The synthetic fibers of his whiskers are yellowed, his mane slowly losing hair, his shoulders threadbare from years of rubbing them while I thought.

Tears drip onto his little plush body as I cry. I cry silently, waiting for the pills to kick in. I cry for everything. I cry for every ounce of pain I've felt, for every subscriber who will miss me, for every friend I'm leaving behind. I cry until my lids feel heavy and my breathing is slow, lighter than it was before. I know these are my last conscious breaths, and with them I kiss Lion lightly and whisper into his soft fur, "I'm sorry."

~~**DAN'S POV**~~

My phone rings as I die on Skyrim. "Fuck." I whisper under my breath as I watch the screen inform me of my recent demise. I pick up my phone from beside me and see "Phil Lester- Text Message."

This feels… wrong. Phil never texts me when he's on one of his walks. It's when he thinks about life and whatever philosophical musings cross his mind. In fact, I don't think I've ever gotten one text from him when he goes on a walk. I slide it open and as I read it, a pit forms in my stomach.

_Dan, I really have no other way of saying this so I'm saying it bluntly- I'm committing suicide. I'm sorry you have to find out like this, but it is what it is and I can't really change it now. I'm in the park, sitting on a bench. I didn't want to do it at home- that's a place we share and I don't want to tarnish it with my death. I can't do that to you… I just can't. And Dan, there's been something I've been hiding from you. I'm gay. I wish I could change it, but I really can't. I've never been able to come out to you, or anyone, due to fear- but what does a dead man have to fear? That's not all of it, though… I also am in love with someone. And if it hasn't dawned on you already, it's you. I'm in love with you, Dan, and there's nothing I can do that will make me stop loving you. It hurts so much, to see you loving someone else, or just thinking of the fact that you'll find a girl and marry her and have babies with her and watch them grow up and grow old while I just sit there, watching you go on with your life. I can't do it, Dan. I just can't, and I'm sorry for that. In a way, this is selfish. I'm taking myself, but I can't go through with this anymore. I've tried. I really have tried, but I can't._

_ As for my stuff, you PJ and Chris can divide it amongst yourselves. I want you to have Lion, though. Lion's been with me though so much and he's been a real comfort to me, and… I think you'll need some comfort too. Also, I know it's going to be hard to get videos out or anything, so I've left you a check on my dresser that has all my savings. I don't want you to be evicted, and I figured it would hold you over on the rent until you can find a new roommate or move out into your own apartment. You're so much more than me, Dan. Please… don't give up. I love you. –Phil_

I can't move. I can't move, I can't think, I can't breathe. Suicide is the only word that goes through my mind. Instantly, I'm out the door, grabbing my shoes and my jacket as I go. I run over to the elevator, my bare feet slapping against the cool tile that lines the hall. I push the button and the elevator opens. No one's inside. I press the Lobby button and put on my shoes as it descends. I can't let him do this… I have to save him. He's my best friend, my partner in crime; my… he's my everything. I don't have a single friend I can depend on as much as him.

I feel the bitter tears rushing down my face as I rush out the doors, not responding to a thing anyone says. I don't care if I push someone or trip them or anything as I race down the street towards the park. A car nearly hits me as I run in front of it but I really don't care anymore. I have to get there. I'm about to run out energy as I see the trees of the park, and then I see a familiar body.

He's not moving. Not his fingers, not his arms, not a single thing about him is moving, not even his chest. In a final burst of energy I force my way over to him, touching his face. He's cold. I've never felt him this cold before. I slap his cheek lightly, trying to rouse him. Nothing works. I lift up his head and his eyes are closed. He's not breathing, and if he is, I certainly can't tell.

"Phil?" I say, my voice shaky and raw. Nothing.

I begin to shake his shoulders. "Phil!" Still nothing. I'm shaking his whole entire body now, and Lion falls from his cold hands. "PHIL!" People are staring at me now. I don't care. I need to save him.

I straighten up, take a huge breath, and scream at the top of my lungs. "HELP ME!" I know it's no use, though. While I can't accept it, I know, deep in my heart, Phil is dead. He's done it. He's accomplished his wish. I just cry, then. Loud and racking, I cry. I don't stifle my tears, I don't think anyone could in my position. A woman sets her hand on my shoulder and informs me she's called an ambulance. I keep crying, unable to answer her through my grief.

The ambulance appears and an EMT shoves me aside, putting his fingers to Phil's neck. His face drops, grim.

"He's dead, guys. Let's pack him up and send him to the morgue." I latch onto Phil at that, my arms around his cold neck.

"NO!" I scream with all my will. "You can't take him away! You can't! Please… You can't take him! I won't let you!" The tears still spill down my cheeks. They haven't stopped since I saw him. My chest shakes. "You can't… because I love him too. He'll never know it, but I love him too." I said it quietly, then point my head up to the sky.

"I LOVE YOU TOO, PHIL! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?! I LOVE YOU TOO!" I collapse on the pavement. Everyone's just… staring at me. They watch me losing the love of my life that never even knew it. They watch me like an animal at a zoo, and all of a sudden, I'm furious.

"What are you staring at?!" I scream. "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?!" Fear widens all of their eyes, and the woman who called the ambulance pulls me back wrapping her arms around me. I just sob into her shoulder, hiding my eyes from the EMTs and Phil and everything. I sob until I have no more tears, and I sob for 10 minutes after.

I'm just shaking in her arms now. She silently pulls away, putting her arm on my shoulder and leading me away.

"Where do you live?" she asks me quietly. I spit out our address and she walks me home, her arm still over my shoulder, acting very motherly towards me. She leads me into my building, into the elevator, to Phil and I's flat. The door's still ajar from when I didn't bother to close it in my hurry.

"Is this it?" She asks.

"This is it." I say, staring at the door handle.

"I'll leave you to it, then." She begins to turn away, before looking back at me. "Oh, and this nearly got left behind. I think you want to keep it." A tiny, tan object flies through the air and I catch it, and instantly, I realize it's Lion. I turn away, muttering a quick goodbye before closing the door behind me. I turn and a fresh wave of tears runs down my face as I slide down the door.

I can't do this. I can't. What am I going to do without him? I've loved him for 5 years. I was content just seeing him, knowing I was as close to him as I could, making him happy when he was sad. He's never out of my thoughts, or even out of my sight, really. But now, I will never have him again. I will never see his tongue stick out of his mouth when he laughs, I will never hear his voice calling out that he made me coffee, I will never feel his arm brush against mine casually as we watch Buffy or Kill Bill for the umpteenth time. I will never experience these things again. I can't envision my life without him! What will I do? I try and think of the future, but all I can think of is blackness. I'm a hole, a pitch black one.

I move to stand up, my hand brushing the cabinet. The cabinet! I reach in and pull out a hard plastic box, secured with a lock. I quickly undo it, exposing a shining steel handgun. My dad had bought it for me when I moved to Manchester, saying there were a lot of messed up people and he would feel better if I was protected. I wonder what he would say if he knew what I was planning with it now.

I pull the gun out and load in the magazine. It's heavy, but lighter than I thought it would be. I carry it, solemnly, to the bathroom. I slide to the floor, quietly and muse to myself. This would kind of make Phil and I Romeo and Juliet. I would be Juliet, but I don't mind. I drove him to suicide with my faking, but instead of faking my death I faked my love, or lack of it. I hid the fact that I loved him and he killed himself. My Romeo, my lion, my Phil. He has done his part of the star-crossed lover's destiny, and now I shall do mine.

"I miss you too much to bear, already, Phil. I love you, and I can't stand a second without you. If there's a heaven, I will see you there, and if there isn't, I won't have to bear this pain of life without you." I choke out, speaking to a person who isn't really dead. I speak to his shadow; to all the ways he's left his mark in this flat, in this world. In my world. "It's a win-win, I guess. I'll see you soon. I love you too."

I slide the gun in my mouth, bitter and harsh. It gags me slightly as I angle it. I cock it, looking at Lion in my hand. One tear drips onto his threadbare fur, and a loud bang echoes through the flat as my world ends.


End file.
